Is that it’s always waiting. After all the wonderful gatherings with friends and people I love are over, the loneliness is there. It doesn’t show up immediately, and it doesn’t show up every time but, inevitably, it comes home. The small places are where loneliness seeps in and lingers, defining the holes with its ephemeral presence. The spaces never fill because loneliness can never fill anything.
By its nature, loneliness only increases. It never decreases voluntarily, or by itself. The best I’ve been able to do is to appreciate the moments when the holes are smaller. I try not to notice when they’re bigger, but sometimes, it’s so hard. The unimportant times – going shopping, getting groceries, having to handle everything in my life by myself, getting the oil changed, going for a walk, cooking dinner, all the in-between times.
The time couples take for granted, the times I took for granted when I was part of a couple – those are the holes. There are so many thoughts that run in and out of my mind, questions about what I want or don’t want, what my life is going to look like and be, what options I have or don’t have. They serve as helpful distractions, most of the time, but the holes remain.