I recently read a post from one of those “mindful” dating sites. The author was writing about the “myth” of dating difficulties for people over 40. She abruptly found herself dating at 45 and, despite all her friends’ dire predictions, was having an absolute BLAST! And you know what she claims is wrong with her friends? They just have the wrong expectations! If they would clean up their emotional bullshit and change their expectations, all the chum they’d been attracting would disappear and they’d suddenly have their pick of ridiculously awesome people.
I’m here to call bullshit on that entire perspective, and the implication that I’m just not doing my personal work well enough, that I continue to attract bad things to myself because I’m not working fast enough to unload my baggage. This effectively makes every sh*tty thing that happens MY FAULT. Because I’m not doing a good enough job being better.
Seriously? I’m not doing good enough AT BEING BETTER?
Despite years of messaging about “creating my reality,” I have come to understand that most things that happen that are out of my control. I get to control my responses and reaction and choices, but I’m not responsible for the fact that so many people in their 30s and 40s are hot messes. Or that I get coffee with them. Or that I lose my job, fight with a friend, or face ageism, or racism, or misogyny, or all that other crap that REALLY TRULY EXISTS. Simply putting on my ruby slippers, clicking my heels, and breathlessly exclaiming “everything is wonderful, everything is wonderful, everything is wonderful” DOESN’T MAKE EVERYTHING WONDERFUL.
One of the hardest things to learn is that there are many, many things I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER, regardless of how much work I do on myself. I still have to deal with bad dates, difficult co-workers, aggravating family, and a world that seems like it’s going to somewhere bad, really fast. It’s not helpful to keep blaming me because bad things happen to me, in my life, and in the world. In fact, it’s that message – that I can somehow magically control everything in my life that has led to bouts with anxiety, depression, and shame and guilt, all things that add to the already heavy burden of being human.
It’s true – I do need to do my work, address my issues, and be the best person I can be. It’s true that I do need to check in on my expectations, ask for feedback from friends and professionals, and realize that sometimes I do make bad choices. But sometimes, a bad coffee date or fight with a friend is just that, and blaming me for somehow creating the situation because I’m not an evolved enough person is truly, truly unhelpful.